May222014

Ballerina Update

ballerina

I cannot go into great detail here about Ballerina, but I do have some information to share. Also, I’m referring to her as “Ballerina” as, even though she is in a Heart Gallery, the system doesn’t like their kids names and photos being displayed all over the place. We were told today that 90 days post-adoption, we can post anything we want about her including her new name.

But for now, what we know so far…

Therapists meeting, 5/15/14:

She is beautiful and smart and athletic. She’s [REDACTED] years old and would fit in really well with us. She plays video games, isn’t outdoorsy, and not religious. She’s a straight A student in [REDACTED] grade and wants to stay at her current school. Wants to be a doctor, very studious, totally driven. Her parents are both deceased and she is still dealing with that, obviously. She has an older brother but they’re not very close. She lives in a group home so there are no parents present which means there is no consequences, rewards, etc in place. She loves archery (thanks to Hunger Games) and ice skating.

We spoke to them for just over 2 hours then spent the rest of the day discussing what we learned. We spoke with OKB and discussed our next steps at length. Husband and I made the decision to move forward so I set up a meeting with her case worker and case manager. Yes, we asked every question on our list and then some.

Case Worker/ Case Manager meeting, 5/21/14:

I took 3 pages of notes, they gave us a bunch of information and now we have a decision to make. The next move is up to us at this point – moving forward and meeting Ballerina or deciding we just can’t handle this child and situation at this time based on what we know. We have a lot to contemplate especially with the big NFPA conference coming up. We told them we’re going to it, but also her CW is going out on maternity leave any day now. We will continue to deal with the CM and a replacement CW.

Due to full disclosure, we have her mother’s known history but not her father’s other than very basic information. Her parents were together for many many years and loved each other deeply. After her father passed away, mom had a really hard time. Ballerina has hit puberty (scary thought, but we’ll get through it together) but isn’t boy crazy and doesn’t have any interest in dating. (Wonder how long that’ll last!) She is very attached to her teachers and the staff at her school, but we are being encouraged to change her school if we choose to do so. She is super tech savvy and very attached to her laptop and cell phone. And she’s a klutz and drops stuff and trips all the time. Um, are we sure this child isn’t related to me? HA!

One of our favorite tidbits was learning that she already dresses modestly for a teen girl – no booty shorts or tight clothes – as that would’ve been amongst the first things we would change when she moved in. She told CW and CM that she wanted young, fun and hip parents. Amongst the coolest things is that she will have a brand new name, social security number and, essentially, a new identity. We will give her our last name, but IF SHE chooses to do so, she can select a new first and middle name as well. I don’t think she should, but it’s ultimately her decision.

May122014

Questions to Ask

Sooooooo…. we are meeting Ballerina’s therapist (TH) Thursday morning to ask him questions. So. Many. Questions.

Actually, we have a huge list that I need to better sort by the person being asked. I have questions for Ballerina herself, for TH and for her case worker. I’m not sure if it’s normally done this way, but we’re meeting with the adults in Ballerina’s life before we meet her to ask them all the details and go over any concerns we may have. Honestly, I think doing it this way is genius! I would never want to ask someone in front of a child about their history of abuse, why they’re in care, what their background is, etc. I would think it would cause a bit of a backslide to hear it all again.

We are meeting him Thursday. If we choose to move forward, we will then meet Ballerina’s case worker and the CW’s supervisor. And then, and only once we’re all satisfied with moving forward, we will meet Ballerina.

Here is the list I’ve compiled, in absolutely no order and unsorted. You’ll notice there are several duplicates as all I did was copy and paste all the input into a single file.

Why she came into care?

What trauma did she go through?

Does she have specific triggers?

Past diagnosis? Current diagnosis? Medication, Name, what for? How many mg.?

In regards to treatment what issues is she still struggling with in therapy?

What are her treatment goals?

What challenging behaviors does she exhibit?

What is the most challenging/ inappropriate/ negative behavior(s) she has exhibited if any?

Do they know her likes and dislikes in hobbies, food, etc..

What are her strengths?

What are her social skills
Is she afraid of the dark
What triggers her outbreaks
Any habits does she have?
Is religion important to her? Which denomination does she identify with
Does she have a healthy appetite?
What is her history of abuse?

Does she want to be adopted?
Birth parents- both mother and father present?
Does she want to keep in contact with adult relatives?
What circumstances brought her into care?
What are the most important things you want us to know about you to make you happy and part of our family?
What was she told is the reason shes in care
Does she have a history of stealing, lying, pyromania, etc
What are her medical issues – physical, mental, emotional
How does she feel about adoption
What are her likes and dislikes

Does she have any hobbies

Is she creative

Does she like comics

What are her favorite shows, movies, music
Does she want to go to college
What does she aspire to be when she grows up
How has she been at forming attachments in foster care?
What things are the most important to her

Why did the child come in foster care
Does she have siblings and do they need to maintain contact?

Are there any other relatives that the child would like to maintain contact with

Is there any maternal or paternal history of mental illness, like depression, bi polar disorder, schizophrenia
Does she have a history of sexual abuse? If yes, has there ever been any sexual reactivity?
How many placements has she been in since being in foster care?
What were the circumstances of her failed adoption/ placement?
Is she on an IEP?
Is she developmentally on target?
What are her fears about adoption, if any
Has she ever expressed what she is looking for in a family?
Birth parents. – How long before their rights were revoked or they were TPR’d?
History of foster homes
What happened to end her last placement
Ice skating- How often does she get to go? Would she be interested in lessons?

Is she on any medication? Why? What is her diagnosis?
At school – Does she have friends? Many? Who does she hang out with?
How are her grades?
What does she do after school?
Has she has been in other trouble or is therapy due to foster care?
Does she like dogs? Cats?
Allergies?
Does she have siblings?
How many placements? Why did they fail?
What reasoning or discipline style does she respond to best?
What is her learning style?
What are her challenges at school?
What therapies is she receiving? What are the goals of the therapy?
Is she willing to transfer to a school or does she wish to stay in the same school.
How many different homes has she lived in?

How many potential placements?
How old was she when she was put in care?

Many many thanks to everyone on FB, twitter, at work, via email and, of course, here for giving us a chunk of these questions. You are all my rock stars!

May072014

Call #1 and Questions?

Hello!

We just got our first call about a child and are supposed to set a time to meet with her therapist and case worker next week to ask all the questions we can possibly come up with before being introduced to her. She is several years older than our age range, but I’ve been keeping track of her for months (6-7 at least) and was super excited to put in an inquiry about her last week.

Aside from the few questions I’ve been mulling over, I really need your help. What questions should we ask?

From her profile online, she does well in school and the few minutes I spoke with the case manager for her agency, I’ve figured out that she’s currently in a foster home near where we live. She is 12/13 and the last time we spoke to someone about her, she was in an adoption placement, there was an incident and she’s still available. Obviously we’re going to ask what happened. Also about her parents, siblings, extended family, and known abuse, etc.

Past that, I’m looking to all my foster/adoption groups for help. (Incidentally, I really apologize if you see this multiple times!)

We’re going straight adoption if that makes a difference in the questions.

In advance, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much!

May012014

Mini Checklist

Completed registration for NFPA conference? CHECK
Home study in hand? CHECK
Sent to Our Kids? CHECK
Sent to local agencies? CHECK for the 3 that replied to my email a few days ago

Apr302014

NFPA Conference

Hello! How are you? I’m still floating from actually having our home study completed. We attended a mini conference last Saturday and I finally got to introduce husband to the many friends and amazing supporters I’ve made in the foster/adoption community. Actually, we were immediately asked about a sibling group but alas, too young and 1 too many.

The day we received our home study, I finally registered for adoptUSkids.org. Finally. I’ve been coveting a membership for over a year. But honestly, it might be more detrimental to my sanity. They send you kids that match the parameters of both our background and what we selected for the children. Do you know how much it hurts to see all the smiling faces that just want homes? If I could inquire on all of them, I would, but we have our limitations.

FSFAPA-2014-Conference-Brochure-r3(1)-1

We have the extreme fortune of being given scholarships to attend a national foster parent conference this summer and I need help selecting the classes. There are seriously so many classes that I want to take that I wish I had a time turner to take them all.

My choices have been narrowed down from 4-5 in each section to these. Of these, which would you take?

Session 1
A: I am a Foster Child, all the World is Watching to see what I will Become. I Know Nothing About this World I Belong to………Teach Me!!! — A workshop based on the importance of positive parenting and experiences and how to create experiences that result in permanent connections. Techniques to make fostering a lighthearted, positive experiences for the caregiver, family and most of all, the child in our care will be discussed.

B: Surviving and Thriving Being Helpful — It seems no matter what we do, we can never get it done. Whether it’s our kid’s disturbing behaviors, our co-workers and/or spouses (and their disturbing behaviors), or the agency and state’s ever-shifting, never-ending demands…someone always wants more than we can give. This pragmatic and inspirational workshop is about breaking our own co-dependence and thoughtfully cultivating the internal resources key to thriving (rather than just surviving) the ongoing chaos inherent in the helping act.

Session 2
A: Childhood Traumatic Grief — Childhood Traumatic Grief is a training that provides audience with an overview of childhood traumatic grief, signs and symptoms as well as recommendations on how to help children who are experiencing traumatic grief. For a child in foster care, loss of a parent due to DFPS removal process can feel as if the parent(s) has died. The emptiness of not belonging or having a family can be interpreted by a child as a permanent loss. With time and support from caring adults, children can adjust to the loss of a loved one. Through understanding these effects and how children grieve differently a caregiver can also promote placement stability.

B: Attachments, Relationships; Parenting from a Whole Brain Perspective — The goal of this workshop is to provide participants with tools and strategies to help youth achieve integrated and healthy brain functioning. The training discusses the neurological relationship between the brain, behavioral, emotional, and cognitive functioning in a format easily understood by all. It further explains how relationships, experiences, and memory can affect a child’s brain development and self-regulation. Strategies are explored to help parents, social works and child welfare professionals work with their youth from a “whole brain perspective.” This training is adapted from innovative research in the field of neuroscience, described for the parent and professional in a straightforward and clear manner.

C: Creating and Nurturing Articulate, Expressive, Cultural Thinkers and Lifetime Learners — Education must be a priority, not an option, for youth in foster care. This workshop will provide the “To Do’s” on how to establish an Education Committee that will provide educational opportunities, enrich the lives of our youth, and enable them to become responsible, resilient and active members of their communities.

Session 3
A: Positive Moments, Permanent Changes — A look into the little moments, actions, gestures that seem to make the biggest impact on foster youth. A compilation, of youth, of all ages sharing what matter the most, both positive and negative while in foster care, will be discussed. Looking into our own behaviors will be explored to create an awareness of the effect on others both positive and negative and how we can change ourselves for the better through the experience.

B: More Than You Ever Wanted to Learn about Maintenance Adoption Subsidies! — This workshop is geared for adoptive parents who have adopted or are contemplating adoption of children from Florida’s foster care system. Although, some federal regulations will be discussed, most information will be related to the statutes and administrative rules of Florida regarding the process for negotiation and approval of maintenance adoption subsidies for children adopted from Florida’s foster care system. The workshop will also present the necessary steps for an adoptive parent to follow when requesting an increase to an existing maintenance adoption subsidy. The workshop will also discuss the important steps all adoptive parents must follow in order to prevent any interruption in the child’s monthly subsidy payments and Medicaid coverage when preparing to move out of the state of Florida. (Italics added are mine.)

Session 4
A: Fostering the Future — What is your role in the life of the precious children in your care – adoption, reunification, emergency/safe family or long term fostering? Knowing your role determines your action and how you will maximize the positive influence you have on the child. You will be equipped to operate in EXCELLENCE, master ORGANIZATION, become their ADVOCATE, be an agent of HEALING and PREPARE these precious children for the next step in their bright future.

B: Post Finalization: Post Adoption Communication or Contact Agreement Regarding Siblings or Birth Family Members — This workshop is geared for adoptive parents who have adopted or are contemplating adoption of children from Florida’s foster care system. The workshop will explain the value of as well as the pros and cons of a post adoption communication or contract agreement. Examples of post adoption communication or contract agreements will be provided. The presentation will also explain how changes can be made, if necessary, after a post adoption communication or contract agreement is signed and approved by all parties. The workshop will discuss the benefits of mediation if all parties cannot agree on changes to an existing agreement.

Husband is taking the following and we want to divide and conquer so we learn the max amount of information.

Session 1: Developmental Trauma: The Connections That Make a Difference of a Lifetime — This workshop will explore the impact that childhood trauma has on brain development, including what research shows us about the differing sizes, activity and composition of the normal brain compared to the brains of children who have been abused and neglected. A brief overview will be given of the emotional, behavioral, and cognitive effects of trauma and explore how changes in the brain can have life-long effects, if new neurological connections are not made. The presentation will conclude with a discussion on the importance of early intervention, consistency, continuity and how healthy relationships and predictability can establish new neurological pathways for connections in the brain that will make a difference of a lifetime.

Session 2: Creative Discipline — Parenting and disciplining children who have experienced trauma takes an entirely different mindset. It takes renewing your mind regarding typical disciplinary actions and creativity to attain a loving outcome. Every family is different and every child is different. Explore Grace-Based Parenting that is centered on God’s way of parenting us as His children. Change the environment in your home and find peace for each member of your family.

Session 3: Picking Up the Pieces after Sexual Abuse — Can my child ever have a healthy relationship? How do I help my child heal & thrive? Can their view of sex change? When should I seek help for my child? What do I do if my child is acting out sexually? As a sexual abuse survivor and adoptive mom of 6, Karla will give you the unique insight of the child and help you to understand their thoughts, actions and behaviors. You and your family can thrive and make it through this.

Session 4: Equipping Your Foster/Adopted Child with the Tools to Find their Success Story — The dreams of tomorrow must be a vision of today. It is our responsibility to help guide our foster/adopted child to their dreams, their goals, and equip them with the tools to get there. But first, we must be in a place of communication with our child. Do you know what your child’s dreams are? We must equip our children with the tools to a better tomorrow, today. Let me help you understand your foster/adopted child and the missing links in the foundation that are key to guiding them to their success story. It all begins with a solid foundation.

Apr242014

And then there was this….

My phone buzzed yesterday around 4:15pm. I glanced at it, saw our ACW’s name flash on the screen, and started having breathing problems.

Subject: PRIDE ADOPTION HOME-STUDY

Good afternoon,

This is to inform your ARC memo has been approved. We will be forwarding your PRIDE Adoption Home Study to Our Kids. Our Kids in turn will ensure that a copy is sent to the other Full Case Management Agencies for the purpose of matching available children to you family. Lastly, a copy of the original approved adoption home study will be mailed to you.

Regards,
[ACW]

And with that, our home study was approved.

approved

I had the overwhelming urge to throw up all afternoon yesterday. While I know we still have a long way to go with the matching process, I am SO HAPPY to have this part done. I immediately posted about the approval on FB and have been feeling the love since yesterday afternoon. My friends, I love you all and cannot wait to introduce my child to you even if only virtually.

Apr212014

Just Passing Time…

One year and one week ago, we made the decision to adopt from foster care. As much as I wish everything had gone according to [our] plan and we’d had a child in our home by Christmas, that didn’t happen. We’re still waiting for the approval.

During the year, we have cleaned out our 2^nd bedroom/ office and furnished it completely for our Fletchling. We got rid of a lot of clutter. We moved husband’s huge desk into our bedroom leaving the 2^nd bedroom useless for 8 months. OK not entirely useless, the cat lives in there. I installed shelving to keep the cleaners and chemicals far out of a child’s (and almost my) reach. We bought new couches and they’re almost totally paid off. We made a lot of mental changes to adapting to being a family of 3. We discussed lowering our age range. I have attended countless adoption and foster support meetings and conferences and made invaluable friendships of other parents going through the same thing we’re dealing with and more. We made several other changes, but we still have a long way to go.

I am still hoping that we’ll get our results and approval this week, but I’m not holding my breath.

Also, I’ve been working on a pretty comprehensive Timeline.

I might’ve also become addicted to doing my nails. Being a thumb sucker for 5+ years then a nail biter for 30+ years, my nails were always crappy and ragged bc I bit them. Keeping polish on them has actually made me stop chewing on them! I joined the Julep Maven program and got my first box for FREE. Clicking that link or the icon in the sidebar – and using the code FREEBOX – will get you a free box as well. No, I’m not being compensated for this post (or any for that matter) to talk about them. I’ve also been using Sally Hansen, Rimmel and Wet N Wild polishes. I just happen to like the Julep ones the best.

Apr172014

ARC Meeting Recap

This morning we had our Adoption Review Committee meeting!

Husband took off Wednesday night from work since we had to be downtown in the morning. We had yummy dinner last night and relaxed watching TV and playing video games.

This morning, we woke up early and were ready to leave the house by 8:20am. The ARC was set for 10:30am. We drove to the metrorail station, parked on the roof of the garage, then got on the train heading for Government Center. We arrived so early that we found breakfast at GC and hung out taking our time eating. I wasn’t sure exactly how to get to Our Kids, so after walking outside twice, I asked a police officer to point us in the right direction. My GPS isn’t that accurate on the walking setting.

We went on our way and it was only about 3 blocks away. The walk was super easy and really nice. He talked about trying to find a job in the GC area so we could ride the train together. I see couples doing that and even taking their kids to school on the train. We found the correct building,located the gate to walk in and then I fell.

Yup – I faceplanted right outside the building. I twisted my right ankle and ripped up my left knee. By some miracle, even though I landed flat on the ground, I didn’t skin my hands, rip any clothes, break my sunglasses or my phone. I was holding my phone, texting and walking and was sure it – or at least the case – was going to break. Nope, it was perfect. But oy was I in a lot of pain. He said I cried out as I fell. In my mind I yelled the F word really loudly as I hit the ground. Note to self, texting and walking is just as bad as texting and driving when you’re a klutz like me.

I sat for a few minutes then he helped me stand. I wobbled for about a minute to catch my breath and stop shaking then started walking since we were getting close to the time we had to be there. We checked in with security and went upstairs. We had to wait for about 40 minutes, but our ACW’s supervisor came out to let us know is was going to be a little while since they were running a little bit behind schedule. Great, no problem. I sat there with my foot propped up on my laptop bag. I saw 1 person I know that I was introduced to via email and then met at several events.

When we were taken back to the conference room, we met the panel: Paula, Allyson and Becky (via phone call). Paula explained about the review process based on both our background and on the state of things these days. She asked us questions if we had any concerns. Then asked why we decided to adopt and a little bit of our background.

She said the reason we were there was 2-fold:

bc husband had a blip from the FBI on his background check. He explained what it was from and that it happened 22 years ago. He elaborated where I’m not going to in this blog.
bc I was in therapy for anxiety. I told her the reasons behind my therapy, which I won’t go into detail here as there are people that could get hurt if I write about it. I told her about my learned coping strategies, that I’m still in touch with my therapist, and that the last year was spent doing a lot of pre-adoption and parenting type therapy.

After we answered the questions, she told us what happens next. We don’t get the results today. (I actually knew this coming into the ARC since I asked a friend what to expect.) They will write up a report, hopefully by tomorrow afternoon, and submit it to the administration. The administration will read the report, check out our file and then give us the approval or denial. They couldn’t tell us if we were approved, but it seemed like we were. However, we’re waiting for the actual official approval before I jump for joy.

She did recommend, though not mandate, that due to our backgrounds, we look into parenting class at either FRC or one of the other agencies. It would help us to make new parenting choices and not fall back on what we grew up with.

After the meeting and we said our good-byes, husband and I were leaving when Paula came out to catch us. She said from the sound of things, her family and upbringing were a lot like mine. We chatted for about 15-20 more minutes about different things like getting firmly entrenched in the local foster/adoption community (that I am and just A-D-O-R-E!), finding friends with parenting strategies we want to emulate and asking them about it, and reading up on as much as we can to learn about foster kids problems, attachments, etc. Regardless of how prepared we think we are, we’re not. And rather than fall back on not ideal parenting strategies, we should start now forming behaviors, etc for our children.

She’s amazing. Seriously. She’s one more amazing person that I’ve met along the way in the past year.

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