Foster Adoption

Aug072013

Myths and Realities

There are so many misconceptions about adopting from foster care. Are you guilty of any of these? There’s actually a huge list over at AdoptUSKids, but I’m only putting the ones I’ve heard questions or comments about here.

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Myth: There are no orphans in the United States.
Reality: There are 104,000 children in the U.S. foster care who are legally free and currently waiting for an adoptive home.

I only want one… for now. And yeah, no more orphanages. I hear this question/comment from quite a lot of people! – RBF

Myth: You have a to have a lot of money and own a house to adopt from foster care.
Reality: You don’t need to own your own home, be wealthy, have children already, or be a stay-at-home parent to adopt. Most adoptions from U.S. foster care are free and any minimal costs associated with them are often reimbursable.

Myth: Only married couples with a stay-at-home parent can adopt children from foster care.
Reality: In most instances, a person’s marital status, age, income, or sexual orientation do not automatically disqualify them from eligibility to adopt. You don’t need to own your own home, have children already, be young, wealthy, or a stay-at-home parent. In 2011, 32 percent of children adopted from foster care were matched with either a single-parent household or unmarried couple. This includes adoptions by lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) families.

There are plenty of single parents out there and actually, there are 4 in our class of 19. – RBF

Myth: You can only adopt a child who is the same race and ethnicity as you.
Reality: Federal law prohibits the delay or denial of an adoptive placement based on the race or ethnicity of a child in U.S. foster care and the prospective parent or parents who are seeking to adopt them. The only exception to this law is the adoption of Native American children where special considerations apply.

We actually learned in class last night that a good number of African American children request adoption placements with Caucasian or Hispanic families. – RBF

Myth: All children in foster care have special needs and require special education.
Reality: Many children in foster care are regular children who unfortunately had to be removed from their families due to abuse or neglect. A child with special needs should not be confused with a child who requires special education. The term “special needs” simply refers to children who qualify for adoption assistance due to specific factors or conditions such as:

Being an older child
Having a particular racial or ethnic background
Being part of a sibling group needing to be placed together as one unit
Medical conditions
Physical, mental, or emotional handicaps

Myth: You’re not allowed to adopt children you foster.
Reality: While slightly more than half of all children who enter foster care return to their birth families, there are still thousands of children who cannot return home. Of the 51,000 children in foster care adopted last year, 54 percent were adopted by their foster parents.

We were told that the Foster to Adopt path can be the most emotionally difficult. Hoping/expecting to adopt a child placed with you and having them reunified is heart breaking. Ultimately, the system is to help the children, but the attachments that form (for both the kids and parents) can be painful just the same. The whole time they’re in your home, you have to be their birth parents cheerleader and hope for the reunification, even if you hope to adopt him or her. – RBF

Myth: You can’t adopt a neighbor’s child or one you know personally or professionally.
Reality: When a child is removed from their home by a court order and is placed into U.S. foster care, and then later becomes available for adoption (due to birth parents’ rights being legally terminated), a caseworker will often explore connections the child already has with supportive adults in their life as possible placements for adoption or foster care.

So, um, know any kids that need a forever home? Kidding! ..yes, kidding. – RBF

Myth: Each child has to have a room of their own.
Reality: Each child needs a bed of their own, not a room of their own.

We would adopt siblings of opposite sex and thus would need separate rooms. In the end, we decided on a single child for our first placement. – RBF

Myth: Adopting or fostering a child who’s been removed from the care of their birth parents is dangerous.
Reality: Children in foster care are regular children who, through no fault of their own, had to be removed from their families due to abusive or neglectful situations. As for a child in foster care having continued contact with their birth family, it will vary depending on the specifics of the case and the placement being considered for the child.

For adoptive placements, very few birth parents reappear after their parental rights have been legally terminated. In the instances where children have continued relationships with birth relatives, it’s because the arrangement will be beneficial, safe, and healthy for all involved.

For foster care placements, most children placed in your home will have regular, court-ordered visits with their birth parents. This is an important part of the reunification process and you play an important role by working with the child’s caseworker to decide the location and time of the visits. The court decides whether the visits will be supervised.

I get some variation of this a lot. There are NO GUARANTEES about any child whether they are biologically yours, adopted as an infant, or as an older child. Depending on how much of, or even if you will have, an open adoption is done on a case by case basis. Even if the birth parents want no contact, there may be extended family that, for some reason, could not take care of the child but still wants to be a part of their life. – RBF

Myth: You can’t adopt a child or sibling group from another State.
Reality: There are 104,000 children in U.S. foster care available for adoption. Families adopt children from outside their State every single month. Sometimes these adoptions can take a little longer because of the process involved with moving a child from one State to another. However, the wait is worth it in the end.

We are opting to stay within FL due to the college benefits. *Most* other benefits are similar state-to-state. – RBF

Myth: A birth parent or another relative can take an adopted child back.
Reality: Adoptions of children from U.S. foster care are legally binding agreements that do not occur until the rights of all parents have been legally terminated by a court of law. It’s very rare that an adoption is challenged in court by a child’s birth relative. More than 98 percent of legally completed adoptions remain intact.

One of the top questions I get… No, we aren’t worried that his parents will come back and take him. And we will decide how open a relationship we will have with his extended family. – RBF

Aug022013

Class #3, the social experiment

Image Source: Cranewoods.com

In our 3rd class on Tuesday they did an exercise with us… a social experiment, if you will. We were randomly given the letter A or B to stand for Andrew or Belinda as the children in the story. We were given the back story for each baby – born the same hour of the same day in the same hospital – then told of their progressions into toddlerhood and beyond.

The “A” babies were born to a young couple that anxiously awaited a baby, full of love, support and just overall a great environment. They supported him, guided him, fed, clothed and bathed him, etc. He was obviously quite loved and hit all the milestones. When he would cry, they would pick him up to take care of his needs. His extended family and family friends loved and cherished him and would often babysit. He crawled around the yard exploring only to be picked up or redirected before he would potentially get hurt.

The “B” babies were also born to a young couple, but they weren’t expecting him and couldn’t really provide for her. The parents started drinking a lot and smoking pot and not really taking care of themselves or baby B. she was often ignored when she cried for food, a dirty diaper or just to be comforted. She eventually learned that by not crying she wouldn’t get smacked around. One day she wandered out into the street and a neighbor picked her up and called the police. Another day her high father yanked her by the arm and dislocated her shoulder.

Baby B was eventually taken into the system where she was fostered and later adopted by friends of Baby A’s parents. These foster parents only ever knew of happy, content, hitting all the milestones babies and were unprepared for the difficulties of an abused and not fully developed child. They struggled but eventually learned how to deal with her past and they all overcame it.

The social experiment part came in that every time our teacher would switch between A and B’s stories, we were to hold up the placard with our letter on it. The A’s kept doing that throughout. Somewhere around the “B was frequently left alone in her crib for hours at a time,” the B’s stopped holding up their placards.

Steve was A and I was B. We both kept holding ours up. Afterwards, he said he wanted to grab the B from the lady next to him and hold it up bc it wasn’t the baby’s fault that her parents suck and we should be helping her not feeling sorry for or ignoring her as well.

I wonder how often people see someone in a terrible situation and look the other way. Personally, every time I see a panhandler begging for money on the street, I want to drive to the easily 50 businesses within walking distance, collect job applications and hand it to them.. But instead I drive away.

Maybe learning about everything we’re learning in these classes will make me more compassionate towards the homeless. I mean, not the ones that have better clothes and look cleaner than me, of course. Bc there are plenty of those around here too.

Jul312013

Stormageddon

When I’m out driving, I “talk” to my kid in the back seat. And when I do, I call him Stormageddon… or Stormie.

Why?

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Bc I’m somewhat of a lunatic. That or a Whovian.

But seriously, I talk to him about my driving, stupid drivers, teaching him to drive, learning to drive in Miami in rush hour in a huge station wagon, vacations we’re going to take, his homework, and so much more. Better get used to it if we’re going to be stuck together in the car for over an hour to and from work as long as I’m stuck working on the beach.

Yes, I know I may be nuts, but that’s ok. The voices in my head* say this is “normal” akin to pregnant ladies talking to their bellies.

* There aren’t really voices in my head. Dearest adoption case workers that ultimately find my blog, I am not hearing voices. Promise.

Jul292013

Gigantic Recap and Update

Dearest blog, I am not intentionally ignoring you. There is just so much going on that I feel overwhelmed. And by that, I mean I don’t know where to start writing. I’m going to just jump in and we’ll go from there and play catch up later. Deal? xoxo, Becca

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We have now had 2 classes. 2! Only 7 more left before graduation. We’re learning a lot and meeting new people. Awesome people. Other people that want to open them hearts and home to foster children. Yeah, I like our classes. We have homework after every class that will all become a part of our adoption packet. The first week was easy short answer and circle the best answer type questions. For the 2nd week it was a lot more in depth. We have to create a family tree of sorts – a genogram. It is a charted representation of our immediate family through our grandparents. This is mine, not filled in. And as Steve pointed out, the 2 sides are not connected, but that was unintentional.. even though we aren’t blood related to that side.

Check out all the information we will be learning. That’s 2″ of learning to deal with/ understand the children in Foster Care that we will be adopting.

The biggest thing I am learning in our classes is how desperately there is a need for foster parents in Miami. Like class derailed for 5+ minutes talking about it. So if you’ve ever even remotely considered being a Foster Parent, please do it. I can put you in contact with our licensing specialists who will be forever grateful.

Let’s see, quick recap of the other adoption-related things in the last couple weeks..

The House – We re-upped our lease for 6 more months so the Home Study will be done on this apartment. I also bought a sturdy wood over-the-toilet hutch thingie and sturdy wood tower. We currently have wibbly-wobbly metal shelving in there. The metal shelves were moved to the laundry room for chemicals and cleaning products. #SafetyFirst

Welcome Gift – I am crafty. Duh. While we are waiting on this process, I want to make something for my child. While we are leaning towards a son, we could very easily be better matched with a daughter first. So whatever I make needs to be gender-neutral. I took an informal poll on my FB page and in Ravelry group about yarn colors – oh yeah, it’s going to be a blanket – and narrowed it down to a teal/turquoise, pale grey and brown. It will either be blocks or a Fibonacci sequence, below.

Life Story – Our overall homework assignment is writing a life story. We have to do it individually and turn it in before class ends. It too will be sent to the Adoption Case Worker assigned to us. I started mine and have been jumping around to “easy” and “not painful” subjects. I have about 6 more weeks to work on it.

Picnic – We went to our first Adoption event this weekend. SDFAPA had a picnic in Key Largo and, even though the weather sucked, we had a good time. We learned a lot as there were both Foster and Adoptive parents there, as well as the famous KB from my mystery phone call. We were invited to their next meeting in a few weeks.

Updated Timeline –

Classes end September 10
We will be assigned to an Adoption Case Worker within 2-3 weeks after that to do our Home Study
Once the Home Study is completed and officially in “the books,” we could be matched at any time.
We keep hearing different “child in home” answers so it could be anywhere from 1 month to 6 prior to the adoption being finalized.

I promise to not let it go so long between posts next time!

Jul162013

Sending him to school out of our district

Seeing as I work 26 miles from home – and in Miami traffic it takes well over an hour to get there and back – and Steve works nights and sleeps days, we have to be creative with the school our child attends. In speaking to the case workers on Friday, they suggested that we look into the Hardship information on the M-DCPS website to see what can be done. That or send him to private school.

Honestly, I am in awe of the Cushman School and would give my left arm to send my children there. Literally, it’s a private school and costs far more then my entire undergrad degree each year. Cushman is a K-8 school and one of the best in the county.

Amongst other things, we have to research and interview schools, pediatrician’s, specialists and dentists and purchase booster seats for our cars, furnish his bedroom, buy clothes, books, etc.

From the M-DCPS website regarding putting him in a school close to my job as opposed to our house:

a. Working Parent Hardship Transfer
The parent or guardian of a kindergarten through eighth grade student of a one-parent or one-guardian family unit who is employed, or a family where both parents or guardians are employed, requests a transfer on the basis that the normal school assignment presents a hardship involving before or after-school supervision. Such request shall be in the form of a signed statement from the employer(s) verifying the parent’s/guardian’s employment, work address, telephone number, working hours; a signed statement from the caregiver verifying the hours the student is cared for as well as the address and telephone number of the caregiver; and any other pertinent information setting forth the nature of the circumstances producing the hardship. This type of transfer must be reviewed annually through the Regional Center serving the assigned school. These transfers should not exceed the assigned percentage of FISH school capacity for the current school year.

We’ve also learned about the McKay Scholarship and Step Up for Students as an option for private school.

Jul132013

This is so not OK

On May 19th, after finding out that CHS was full until September/October, I emailed all the other agencies in Dade county. We obviously had great luck and responsiveness from FRC as they are the agency we’re working with. No one else was really responsive.

Until Tuesday. Yep, 51 days later.

HHCH* replied not with a “oh we’re sorry for not responding sooner but would love to work with you,” but with an invitation to their PRIDE classes.

And they used way too many ALL CAPS for my taste. Ew.

So I responded with “No, we will not be attending. We are working with another agency. I don’t know anything about your agency as no one has ever been in contact with me since I emailed you 2 months ago.”

And she promptly responded to apologize and that she’s not sure what could have happened.

Really?

Thursday morning, another person emailed me about it. I am not planning on responding to her. The only reason I responded on Tuesday was bc it was that I had to RSVP to the class. This email is a total cop out. If your class was full or I had incorrect information, then freakin email me back and let me know. Not an adoption agency? Fine! I don’t want to work with you anyhow as you recommend foster to adopt and we’ve specifically ruled that out.

Hi Becca,

I want to apologize for not emailing you earlier and if I remember correctly the reason was that we had already begun a class and our next Orientation was not until 7/18/13 and you were interested in starting a class right away. In addition, we are not an adoption agency, although you may have the opportunity to adopt a child if the child becomes available to be adopted. We usually recommend our families to foster to adopt where you will have the privilege of fostering a child and/or children and may possibly adopt that child (ren); however, it is not a guarantee.

You may have already begun the classes with CHS on 6/20/13. Please advise if you have not and if you were still interested.

Thanks so much!

Here to Love and to Serve His Kingdom,
NT

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* In all fairness, I was hesitant to even go with this agency as their website tells about their mission which is very… religious. Neither of us are religious – spiritual, yes, but not religious – and just reading through the site made me a little uncomfortable. So like KB said, everything happens for a reason.

Jul122013

First Home Visit

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Today we have our first Home Visit at 11am.

I’m nervous like The Doctor when he was about to lose Amy and Rory to the Weeping Angels. Yes. I am a Whovian. Oh, and a geek.

We’ve spent the last week decluttering the house. Cleaning up. Sweeping. Mopping. Re-caulking the tub. And about a million other things.

Keep us in your thoughts!

Jul102013

Orientation! #LongestPostEver

Finally! (Geez Becca, why’d you leave us hanging for over a week for this post?!)

We had our Adoption Orientation on Saturday morning, June 30th and it was pretty much awesome. I may have been doing research for months (years) and knew a lot of information going into this, but I still learned more.

One thing I learned was that while we are certainly welcome to adopt from out of Florida, we won’t get the FL benefits if we do so. We will follow those state’s benefits and adoption requirements. Not all state’s offer health care, 4 years of public college/university and a subsidy like Florida does – so that needs to be taken into consideration. We definitely plan on making sure our kids take advantage of the college part!

We also need to decide about the Lola and Phoenix. He is a crochety old cat and doesn’t take BS from anyone. Yes, after 8+ years, he still claws me on occasion. I really need to have the vet do a full eval on him bc while I don’t want to accept it, I don’t think he has much longer with us. He’s got so many health issues and is so overweight even with putting him on a diet. So, there’s that to consider.

But anyhow, what we learned/ had reiterated…

Children available for adoption have had their parental rights terminated (TPR). They will never be taken away from us bc some random family member came back. Once there is no possible chance at reunification and rights are terminated, they’re available to be legally our children.
Judges in South Florida really don’t like waiting the full 6 months once we have a child in our home and tend to push the adoptions through within 30-60 days. This was a major Holy Moly! moment for us. We could be legally mommy and daddy by the New Year.
After we complete our classes, we’re turned over to the adoption specialists. They will then complete our Home Study, run more background checks, and ask many more questions to ensure we get the ideal placement.
The PRIDE classes are not “parenting” classes, but rather how we will play a role in the kids lives.
Most children end up in Foster Care due to abuse, abandonment and neglect
If we want to travel outside of FL before the adoption is finalized, we need a court order. To go to Disney, Gainesville, or anywhere else within FL, we just need to notify the team.
They would prefer to have one parent stay home with the kids initially, but I will likely use my vacation time for that to get them settled before sending them off to a (likely) new school.
If we adopt younger than 5, we do get a day care subsidy for one year for specific preschools – Gold Seal Approved.

Minimum standards for Foster Homes (which we will follow to ensure approval for adoption):

Minimum 40 sq.ft. per child and have adequate storage/ closet space.. In a perfect world, we’d have a 3-bedroom place with a room for each child.
Max 5 kids per household including biological. No problem here as Lola and Phoenix don’t count. 🙂
Kids of opposite sex over age 3 cannot room together. We’re leaning towards 2 boys at this point, so OK there.
Minimum $200 residual income after all bills are paid. We’re getting finances in order so this should be A-OK too.
2 years of employment verification checks will be performed. Yep, no problems there.
Health history and physicals need to be performed for mental, emotional, physical and any other treatments. Ehh, we should be OK.. My therapy is pretty minimal and I have no problems with Dr. S. telling them all about my sessions.
Pets are also checked as I mentioned above. A-OK as I’ve already told the vet to expect the forms.
Many children have no prior religious beliefs and we must respect their beliefs if they do have religious beliefs. We need to decide on a religion as he’s Methodist and I’m Jewish and neither of us are particularly religious.
We are responsible for transporting them to every appointment, recital, etc in a safe vehicle complete with car seats, seat belts, valid insurance and driver’s license. No problems whatsoever as we never planned on making anyone else drive our kids around.
Foster parents need to complete a basic water safety course. We plan on doing that, being CPR certified, and more.
All medications, chemicals, cleaning products, alcohol, guns/ammo, and anything else that can harm a child must be locked away. We’ve already begun planning where the meds and chemicals will be housed. Most likely in the outside laundry room or a lockbox atop the closet.
Kids must have access to a vehicle and phone at all times. We never plan on leaving them alone, so OK. When they’re at school, they’ll have the phone there.
An evacuation plan must be posted in several places and perform fire drills frequently, working and tested fire extinguisher, 2 ways to escape each bedroom, smoke detectors, working battery flashlights in every room, and a first aid kit in the house. OK except for the evacuation plan and the flashlights, we have everything already.
There is a list of forbidden and acceptable discipline methods provided that we must obey. OK, we haven’t established discipline yet so having guidelines is great.
Criminal and abuse checks ((FBI, FDLE, local and abuse registry) are to be performed prior to PRIDE classes. Done and approved.

We will be an integral part of the team of nurses, social workers, case workers, and others. Even once the adoption is finalized, we can utilize the team.

We have decided that fostering will be too difficult for us to handle. And came to that conclusion separately prior to discussing it after the Orientation. Having a child or children in our home for days, weeks, months or even years then having them taken away would be too hard for us both to bear.

Our initial background screenings went off without a hitch. We had to be checked in both FL and NC since we haven’t lived here for 5 years. Once we passed these, we will have our initial Home Visit – on Friday! – and classes begin on Tuesday.

They have said this is an extremely intrusive journey and they will find everything out about us. And yet, we are still raring to go to become parents.

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So where have I been? We have so much work to do on our current home to get it ready for our babies. We have been decluttering and cleaning and making our little home kid-friendly. It’s making me realize big time how not kid-friendly it is. We only have 2 bedrooms, a family room, a kitchen and a decent sized back yard. I’d much prefer to have at least a 3-bedroom with a larger family room, updated everything including a dishwasher. But for right now, we shall deal with this little place. *le sigh*

Also, I’ve been off work (though you’d never know it) since Thursday, had an interview for an amazing job, working at my part-time job, and in general trying to get the house ready for le babies.

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