Infertility is an Ugly Thought in my Head

Broken Eggs | BeccaBlogs.comIt’s become more and more of a reality that I am infertile. Why did I come to this conclusion? Well, it’s a simple (and heartbreaking) realization that the problems I had as a child are still looming over my head. Huh? When Aunt Flow first visited back in junior high, she was never regular. She’d rear her ugly head 4-5 times a year and stay for about 2 weeks. Oh, c’mon now, don’t be jealous.

Fast forward to the college years when I got sick of never knowing. I took myself to the doctor and left with a wonderful packet of pills guaranteeing that I would know exactly when AF would arrive each month. It was a fabulous run… until I went off them last year as I knew it could take a few months to get out of my system.

As for AF these days? Well, she hasn’t shown up in 4.5 months. Apparently it took my system 5 months to fully be rid of the effects of those pills.

Do you know how heartbreaking that is to a woman that wants to have children?

Yes, I do plan on seeing a doctor. Eventually. I have been uninsured since May and simply can’t afford to go to a doctor. Yes, Planned Parenthood is an option. They’ve been one of the few options I’ve had the majority of my life, thank goodness. When you don’t make a lot of money personally, but have a husband earning considerably more, not even Medicaid is an option.

No, I wouldn’t have a problem accepting assistance when it comes to my health. I will gladly take any assistance on the planet if it meant I could go to a doctor again.

This afternoon I started looking into infertility support groups and fertility clinics in the area. Not that we can afford those clinics. But I did find out that the fact that I’ve been irregular ever since AF reared her ugly head means weight isn’t an issue. Sure, being this large isn’t helping, but it’s not really hurting either. That was pretty amazing to read. One of these days when I do make it to a doctor, chances are it’ll be a hormone imbalance.

Whatever the case may be, it’s still not a fun prospect.

And for this reason (all the hoops to do things naturally), hubby is all about adoption. I am too, don’t get me wrong. I just want to be a mommy. Sure, I would love to experience pregnancy, but a child is a child no matter who’s genes their carrying. I don’t need to share DNA to love a child. It just hurts knowing that something I’ve wanted for so long might not happen.

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12 comments on “Infertility is an Ugly Thought in my Head

  1. Johanna

    I understand completely. Fertility is a problem for me also to a point. I actually have a slightly double whammy, when I do actually get pregnant, it is difficult for me to actually carry the pregnancy, hence the miscarriages I have had. When you are ready to start working with a doc let me know, my obgyn is outstanding and they also have a specialized fertility clinic attached to them. I am sorry you are having to deal with this issue, it is one the most heart renching issues to deal with.

    1. Becca

      Thanks, Jo.. I’ll keep that in mind! I’m sorry you have to deal with it as well. It really shocked me to read that 1 in 10 couples deal with infertility. Apparently it’s a lot more common than I ever could have imagined. Here’s hoping for us both! <3

  2. georgia

    I do feel your pain. Luckily, I have always known that I didn’t want kids. I found out 11 years ago that I can’t have children. In a way it was a blessing and a copout but not having the option if I ever changed my mind does weigh heavily.

  3. Jackie

    Oh, honey. Don’t get discouraged. The rule of thumb is to wait a year to a year and a half, especially if you’re coming off hormones. Additionally, and I KNOW you know this, you need to think positive to get positive results in life.

    Pick up a few ovulation tests, and just check and see. Dollar tree has them, and they’re very straightforward and quite sensitive. Stock up on the pregnancy tests, while you’re at it, and don’t give up.

    Love you, sending lots of hugs and babydust.

    1. Becca

      Wait 1.5 years before doing anything? I wonder if AF will come at all if I wanted that long. Also, I don’t see the point in ovulation tests if I’m not even getting my period. Don’t those kinda have to work together? Ugh.

      Positive thinking only goes so far!

      Baby dust.. send away! <3

  4. chanele

    This breaks my heart. The situation reminds me a lot of a friend I have in MA who is struggling through treatments for infertility. Like you, all she wants is to be a mom, and it’s such a battle. There seems such injustice in the world when there are unwanted pregnancies everyday, but those that want it so much can’t get it. I hope you can get a good job with insurance soon and get evaluated to find out for sure what is up. *hugs*

  5. Becca

    I’m considering going to PP, but even that takes money. Money that we need to spend on other important things. Blah! Did she ever have any successes?

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