weight

Moving North & Revisiting Adoption

Hello!

Thought I’d pop back in and share an updated photo. I’ve now lost over 165lbs. Also, this handsome little nugget is my amazing 16 month old nephew. The photo on the right was taken at his mama’s baby shower for baby brother due in 2 months.

Also ready for a crazy life update… Ready?
* I ran my first 10K in Disney World for the Princess Weekend. It was amazingly fun except that I got violently ill and spent 2 days seemingly on death’s door..
* We ran the Star Wars 10K also in Disney World for my 2nd 10K and his 1st. I shaved 10 minutes off my time from Princess and he finished about 40 minutes before me.
* We are moving! Getting out of Miami and heading about 80 miles north to Boynton Beach as I have accepted a position in Boca Raton.
* We have been trying (unsuccessfully) to get pregnant for a few months now since my body seems to be working for the first time in.. ever? This was definitely a result of my losing so much weight. Apparently my RE knew what he was talking about with weight and PCOS.
* There’s a lot more, but at this point, does it matter?
* As an offshoot of our moving away from Miami, we will be attempting to adopt again. We are both hoping that Palm Beach County has their shit together unlike Miami.
*Tonight I contacted the lead agency in Palm Beach and started looking again at the available children on AdoptFlorida.org. I am beyond disgusted that I recognized several children with updated photos from 3-4 years ago still listed and still looking for families. Children that we requested information about.

I’m not entirely certain if we are ready for this heartbreak again, but we want a family. We want a child or 2. We don’t know if I will be able to get pregnant and don’t want to miss out on being parents. We agree we’d love any child we bring into our family by any means. I always said if we didn’t get pregnant in X years, we would revisit adoption. Apparently it was more of, “if we get out of Miami, we will revisit adoption.”

So here we go again… adoption.

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Hi

My life has taken a major change and blogging is the last thing on my mind. I don’t foresee many more posts on here, but please keep me in your feeds bc you never know when I’ll feel like writing. =)

I am on a major health journey and have lost 80lbs since February and feel like a whole new person! I have more to lose, but am thoroughly enjoying how I feel these days. A huge plus to losing so much weight is the possibility of getting pregnant without drugs. So we’ll see how that works out. I bought running shoes and an awesome bike and signed up for 2 Disney 10K races in February and April plus some local 5K races. I may have an obsession with virtual races and complete all my miles on the treadmill at the gym.

My handsome nephew is now 7 months old. I don’t get to see him very much, but cherish every moment when I do and love all the photos I get of him. He is such a sweet baby!

We (yes, collectively) have given up on the foster system in Miami. I have zero faith in it and have quit the Board of the association effective September 30th. We aren’t even getting into this anymore. I’m so fed up. Just am thankful for the amazing handful of friends we met along our 3+ year journey with nothing to show for it.

We spent a week in San Diego for Comic Con and it was the single greatest week I’ve had in a long time. Our wedding week in Vegas is the only thing to compete.

I got a new job! And I freakin love it. I still work on Miami Beach, but in a position of considerable power in an organization that will help me with my future political career.

Still in MPA classes – 4th semester. Graduation is next summer. I will then be able to rule the world.

My 40th birthday is on Friday.

Forty and Fabulous 40

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The Last Two Weeks

In the last 2 weeks since deciding to move forward with the foster-adoption process, I have. . .

  • Been in touch several times with the adoption advocate at Our Kids of Miami-Dade County
  • Scheduled our Orientation class at which we will schedule our 10-weeks of PRIDE classes (PDF link)
  • Joined a gym to ensure I will be around for a very long time for my child(ren)
  • Committed to work on my personal problems
  • Had breakfast with Steve that turned into brunch as we sat for 3 hours talking to a realtor about buying a home, her connections for jobs at UM and FIU, our lives, her schedule, real estate classes and so much more
  • And subsequently, spent hours looking up homes between South Miami and Cutler Bay
  • Talked about the process and foster-adoption to loads of people
  • Discovered that my 20th high school reunion is next year – ugh!
  • Gathered a ton of information about my amazing friends on the kind of parents they are (or want to be) and began forming the picture in my mind about my parenting style
  • Got lost in Target in the children’s bedroom aisles – so much pink!
  • Met another couple for dinner that I can’t wait to hang out with a lot more
  • And. . . just submitted my information to take classes to become a CASA volunteer with the Guardian Ad Litem program

More to come! I’m sort of playing catch up and trying not to spew out so much information at once. I hope all my knowledge – and trust me, I learn more about foster-adoption every day – will be helpful for other folks as well. It will be interesting to see how many folks I’ve educated and that also adopt from foster care.  If you’re thinking about it, let me know, OK?

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12 Pounds of Fat

For lack of being able to find a picture of 12 pounds of fat, I give you this one of 1 and 5 pounds.

Image source
I have lost 2 of each of the above piles of fat… or 12 pounds!

Today marks the beginning of my 6th week of the Body By Vi 90 Day Challenge – or technically the 5th as I had to wait a week for my second shipment – and I have lost 12 pounds as of this morning.

During my in-between week, I ate horribly as we hadn’t gone grocery shopping in weeks and thought I gained back 3 of the pounds I lost. However, after my first full day back on the shakes, I was down 0.4 from the week prior. Steve says it’s water weight and I’m going to go with that to ease my mind. 😉

My intention when beginning Body By Vi was to keep track of all the meals I ate on here as a sign of accountability. Instead, I re-activated my MyFitnessPal account and started tracking in there. I also track my weight in there, but only the losses! I think putting the gains would detract from the pretty downward line.

When I get down to a reasonable number, I might post how big I got, but it still freaks me out that it got that high.

But for now, I will drink my spinach-vanilla-peanut butter breakfast shake (hey don’t knock it! It’s amazing and creamy!) and look forward to my strawberry-banana (with a whole banana and 6 strawberries) shake for lunch. And Chili’s grilled chicken sandwich and fries for dinner. And about a million glasses of water.

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Twins? Triplets? Oh my!

No, I’m not pregnant… Don’t get your imaginations rolling…

I’ve never truly contemplated having twins or even triplets. Sure, I thought about it but it was totally fleeting. I had my first visit with a Reproductive Endocrinologist last month and a follow up this afternoon. After reviewing the 12 VIALS of blood and the Glucose test results, he informed that that even though I have extreme excess weight (yeah he doesn’t sugar coat it), I am quite healthy. I totally got a double thumbs up when I said I’d lost 10 pounds in the last month. I didn’t mention the overall 10” but it might’ve gotten me a full on dance. He was actually shocked that all my bloodwork was perfect and that my sugars were on the low side.

According to a blog by 2 R.N.’s on The Mayo Clinic website…

A normal fasting blood glucose target range for an individual without diabetes is 70-100 mg/dL (3.9-5.6 mmol/L). The American Diabetes Association recommends a fasting plasma glucose level of 70–130 mg/dL (3.9-7.2 mmol/L) and after meals less than 180 mg/dL (10 mmol/L).

My fasting number was 76. My number after the 2 hour glucose test was 116.

In other words, HELL YEAH!

But back to the twins thing, my RE wants me to sign a waiver before he puts me on Clomid as the risk for multiples increases from 1-2% to 5-12% per pregnancy.  He also gave me a bunch of literature to read and said to look up whatever information I can find to educate myself so I know what we’re getting into.

Adoption is by no means off the table. With Steve starting law school hopefully in the Fall of 2013, babies are on the back burner for the next 3-4 years. There is so much to do during that time including moving to a still unknown state, getting a kick ass job enough to support us both for the bulk of our bills (no pressure there!), supporting him emotionally, financially and everything else while he stresses and freaks over law school and much more. It’ll be a bumpy ride but I know we can get through it. Hell, we got though my MBA during the first 2+ years of our relationship. The major difference is he’s not allowed to work the first year for pretty much any law school.

So yeah.. that’s just a teeny tiny smidge of what’s in my brain.

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PS- Hi lovelies. If you’re reading this then I greatly appreciate you sticking around in my maaany months of not blogging. Here’s hoping that I will be blogging again on a somewhat regular basis. There’s quite a lot going on and that has been going on to catch you up on.

While I am writing this for myself, if you still read, can you comment so I know who’s out there?

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Working Out.. And Taking Control

On Saturday, we joined a gym. I haven’t belonged to a gym since.. umm… maybe 2008 or so. I mean, I worked for the YMCA, but I only worked out a handful of times in the almost 2 years I was there.

We had gone into our local Planet Fitness a little over a week ago and toured the facility. It’s pretty bare bones as far as gyms go with no pool, classes or steam room/ sauna. However it has TONS of machines running the entire length of the (huge) wall in 2 rows. They also have free wrights and those machines that all gyms have. Clearly I’ve spent very little time in gyms. But I do know this place is huge. And open during the times I want to work out. Oh, and is $10 a month for the cancel at anytime with no penalties plan. The other plan was $20 a month which included tanning beds, massage chairs, some funky infrared light machine thingy and some other perks. We opted not to do that one as there is a minimum of 3 months at the current club before transferring to another club. And since we have no idea how long we will be living here..

Monday was our first day working out. We’re definitely going to have to rearrange our gym times as by the time Steve got home, changed and we got there, it was 9:35am. In order for me to make it to Home Depot to meet my dad to drive into Coral Gables for work, I need to be in the shower by 10:15am at the latest. So, basically, we walked on the treadmills for 20 minutes with a 5 minute cool down.

This morning I am aiming to get there by 9am so I have a full hour to workout. Hopefully I can keep it up for 3-4 days a week. I know for a fact that when I actually work out (which I’m not a fan of), I lose weight pretty quickly. My biggest problem with weight is that I don’t eat properly. That is, I don’t snack, emotionally eat or randomly eat all day, I just don’t eat. Well, no, I eat when I am hungry and stop when I get full. I also don’t eat balanced meals, or at least rarely eat them.

Yeah yeah, it’s terrible. Trust me, I know. That whole bought of “anorexia” (umm, my diet pretty much consisted of diet pills and alcohol) in college and the forced Weight Watchers diet when I was 12 has done a real number on me.

Working out will hopefully kick my metabolism into normalcy and make me hungry so I start eating on a regular schedule.

27 years old | BeccaBlogs.com

My “physical” goal for my 35th year is to get in shape, feel better about myself and look awesome in the bridesmaids dress in Felice and Chris’ wedding. More specifically, I want to be in shape enough to actually have my body work properly again even though we are planning on adopting siblings from foster care. This also means that I will be able to run and play with our children and not get winded. And be able to strengthen my seriously weak ankles that keep spraining. Yeah, they’re holding up quite a bit of weight and never healed properly from all the sprains.

I have absolutely how much I weighed in this picture, but it was taken 8 years ago and I think it’s a good goal to have. I remember the size I wore (based on the job uniforms hanging in the closet) and that would be a pretty drastic change from where I am now. Man, I sure do wish I could go back and dye my hair and brush it better…

So now I’m off to the gym… Cheers, my friends!

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[Re-]Defining Motherhood

Several conversations with both friends and Steve over the last few days have got me thinking about motherhood. I used to think that I couldn’t be a mom unless I got pregnant and gave birth. Now I, of course, know that there are other options like adoption, foster-adoption, IVF, and surrogacy. Becca of younger years would never have dreamed having children any way other than by giving birth herself.

Over the past few months, I have come to not only accept adoption as how our children will join our family, but embrace it. I’m sure a huge part of this is my [suspected] broken reproductive system, but more on that later. As mentioned in the last non-new-blog post, we are heavily leaning towards foster-adoption. This hasn’t changed and our friend is helping gather the info we’ll need for this to happen. We are certainly no experts on this topic and have a lot to learn, but feel it might be our best option.

It’s starting to dawn on me that I don’t need to give birth to be a mother. Yes, I’m a bit slow, but pregnancy was always a part of my future when I was a child. I already mother all the little ones in my life and I obviously didn’t give birth to them, so why put constraints on my own children?

It’s tough for me, and my ridiculous reproductive health is making it worse. In short, I haven’t had a period in over 90 days. Yes, I’ve taken a bunch of pregnancy tests both at home, the clinic place, and the ER and every one of them has read a resounding not pregnant. If I actually was pregnant, then this kid would be made of steel or something seeing as I’ve been X-ray’d and taken hard core drugs for both the flu and pneumonia over the last month. Oh, and before I get all the advice to lose weight, I am working on it. However, I’m fairly certain that it’s not a weight thing. For the first 11 years of having a period, it was never ever regular. We’re talking at most 5 times a years and lasting for weeks at a time. Talk about hell for a junior high and high schooler!

Anyhow, not much else to talk about. Right now it’s just a lot of adoption research. Also, we’re taking a database class together which is a little time consuming. And of course, this new blog design which had sucked up my entire life the last few weeks. Not to mention writing thank you notes, sleeping, working, and little bits of knitting here and there when I’m tired of doing everything else.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

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Can I Handle a Model Search?

Wow… the response to my last post was amazing. All y’all rock! And it’s really great to know that I’m not the only one with problems leftover from childhood relating to my weight. Again, thanks for all your great responses and bloggy love!

Well, I’ve been trying to figure out how to “Think Positive” about myself and how to changes my eating patterns and habits. Here’s hoping, right? One thing I’ve discovered during all my blog reading is a search for a Plus Size Model. Uhhhh what?

Never in a million years did I think I would apply for a model search. I generally ignore all things in the fashion world. Not because they wouldn’t fit me, but because for the most part, they are horribly ugly. I mean really, who wears that stuff besides gazillionaires with zero sense of fashion?

Ugh, tangent.

So yes, I am actually sending in pictures to join this model search. I don’t think I look 34, but hey, maybe I do. IF I am actually chosen, y’all will certainly hear about it. I’ll be asking for your support, of course. 😀

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I’m Happy With Myself, So Why Can’t Others Leave My Weight Alone?

I struggle with a lot about my childhood a good chunk of the time. It seems that lately with all our discussions about children it’s about what happened to us and will we teach it to our kids. It never really dawned on me until recently how truly screwed up my perception of food and body image truly is and how I refuse to make my kids have the same issues. I can’t say when I had healthy eating habits between the starvation diet/ diet pills in college, saving my Weight watchers point to have treats and sweets, and just not eating balanced meals.

Me @ 10 years old, mom, older brother

It sorta all started when I was put on Weight Watchers at the far too young age of 12. After all, I had to look good for my bat mitzvah the following year, didn’t I? I was digging through all the old pictures in my computer and it’s kinda weird to see all the weight fluctuations I had over the last 2 decades. And oddly enough, the smaller I was, the more sickly I looked. I do know losing weight will help get pregnant, but I also know tons of women that got pregnant being overweight/ obese/ whatever you use to refer to being fat. Yes, fat. I know that I am.

25 years old (Lowest weight I believe)

Steve and I were talking about weight loss surgery this morning. He works a 12-hour overnight shift and has a decent amount of free time to read the paper, watch TV, etc while making sure his client is OK and waiting on him when he wakes up. Last night there was an article in the paper about weight loss surgery. He knows I struggle with my weight. Or rather, that I did. I’ve mostly come to terms with it, but do know that I would feel better if I weighed less. However, the amazing husband that he is, he never once has ever said anything to me about losing weight. He thinks I am perfect. Sure, I think about having the surgery from time to time, but I can’t handle it financially especially without insurance. Will I ever get some form of WLS? Who knows.

27 years old (I think I look the best here)

My family on the other hand… totally different story. My mom was a size 4 when she married my father 39 years ago. Size 4. I think I was maybe a size 4 sometime in elementary school. Maybe. It seems that sometimes she resents having gained weight and is forever on a diet. Looking at pictures of myself growing up, I looked healthy. Sure, I was a chubby kid, but not dangerously so big that I was a sloth. Even in high school, when I felt like a cow, I was still relatively normal sized. Yet 2 years later, I stopped eating, started binge drinking and took diet pills as if my life depended on them. Oh the irony. I lost like 30 pounds in a month and was so proud of myself. Thinking about it now disgusts me. I visited one of my favorite high school teachers after the weight loss and she looked at me in absolute horror and asked what the hell happened to me.

That summer (1996) I went to camp and worked as a counselor. I honestly think that summer might’ve saved my life from the downward spiral I was on. I lost more weight by walking everywhere, hiked up and down the hills to my bunk and the rest of camp, and felt as good as I possibly could feel. I felt healthy. I looked healthy. I wish I could say that I quit drinking after that summer, but I still drank. After that summer when I broke up with my boyfriend, I went a little more crazy with the alcohol and frat parties until I quit permanently. I stayed the weight from camp for a while until it crept back on, but I was OK with that.

31 years old (I still wear that shirt..)

And me? I mentally see a tall beautiful woman in my mind. One that doesn’t have a huge pooch, fat thighs and arms, and 16 chins. I despise clothes shopping. To the point that I would rather do just about anything to avoid it. I shop online and even that is a chore and a half. Looking at the outfits I used to wear, apparently this loathing of clothes shopping is relatively recent in the last 5 or 6 years.

34 years old (highest weight)

Photo Credit: Emeric Photography

However, for the most part, I like myself. It’s been a very long journey and it’s not even remotely over yet. While I may not be anorexic (anymore) or bulimic, I do have an eating disorder. I barely eat. And when I do eat, I eat enough to satisfy the hunger pangs. I’ve been known to have popcorn as a meal, or 2 slices of bread and a piece of cheese for lunch. Yesterday, and the reason I started writing this post, I was mocked for being both fat and hungry. When I asked what was for lunch, I was asked if I really NEEDed to eat versus just wanting to eat. When I said yes, I was asked again. Each time had more of a holier than thou mocking than the next. I was ready to punch him in the face, but I restrained.

If I, the person living in and with this body, am OK with it, why in the freaking hell do other people make snarky and downright rude comments about it? I really and truly don’t understand where other people get off being complete jerks to other people when they know nothing about them. And it’s worse when it comes from family; the people that are supposed to love you no matter what.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Be kind to your friends and family members. Even the fat ones.

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Really, Marie Claire?

How many other posts are going to be about this article today and in the coming weeks? I fully intended this to just be a tweet [and Facebook] post, but I had a really hard time staying within my 140 characters and not stringing together 4 or 5 tweets. So here we are…

The post in question on Marie Claire [magazine]: Should “Fatties” Get a Room? (Even on TV?)

This post can’t get much more offensive. And not just to me, but to the thousands of commenters, Tweeters and Facebook posts degrading the author, the magazine and, of course, the post. I have my own issues with weight loss and never would have seen this blog post, as I don’t read Marie Claire (and now, never will), had it not been all over my Twitter and Facebook feeds.

Do I want the author, or her editor, fired? I dunno. Do I want them reprimanded? Yes. Seriously reprimanded! The author wrote about an emotional subject and, as it turns out, she’s struggled with anorexia for many many years. The editor, however, published her rant. I saw posted elsewhere that had she been talking about a different race, they would both be prosecuted almost immediately.

It’s just disgusting that people think like this. Do people look at me and think that I am repulsive, vile and just plain disgusting for being so fat? If so, I really hope that they don’t pretend to be my friend. Anyone that thinks that way needs to get the hell out of my life. Not because I don’t want to deal with snide comments, but because I have no use for negativity or fake-to-my-face people in my life. Unfriend me, it’s OK. You don’t have to tell me that this is why.

Phew.

My thoughts on the post? Yes, I know I am fat. I am also healthy, according to my last doctor. In fact, I am the biggest I’ve been in my entire 34 years. And yet I love myself. Most of the time. And my husband, G-d love him, loves me too. In fact, he’s told me that I don’t need to lose weight unless it really bothers me or will make having kids easier on me. Total acceptance even on the days when I don’t accept myself.

That's me, far left. 10 years old in 1986. Hello 80s hair!

What a major change it is to hear that. My mom was always extremely skinny – size 2 or 4 at their wedding 39 years ago – and after having 3 children, she obviously gained weight. Some of my earliest memories, and those I wish I could remove from my brain, are those of being forced to go to diet meeting after diet meeting with my mom, her friends and their “fat” daughters. I’ve seen pictures of myself between ages 10-13 (like the one to the left) and I simply wasn’t a fat kid. We had no video games. We played outside a lot. I was healthy. We biked, skated, and climbed trees. I ate a mostly normal diet. We were all forced to eat “rabbit” food because that’s what mom cooked.

One of my most vivid memories from my pre-teen years was the absolute joy at being able to fit into my size 29 [waist] Guess? jeans. I was ecstatic. I was also just going through puberty, so those jeans didn’t last long when the hips expanded into a perfect hourglass figure.

In the last few years, I decided I did want to make a change. It took every ounce of will to join Weight Watchers. I joined, I lost some weight, then I lost my desire to continually count points and not truly enjoy going out. So I quit, and gained weight back. I decided I would rather enjoy my life as best I could.

As it turns out, you only live once. I know! Duh. But yeah, I choose enjoyment over constant struggles.

Even now, with my last batch of blood tests, my doctor is crazy thrilled about how perfect my lab work is. She is of the mindset that healthy means healthy no matter what size your clothes say. Yes, I loved her. She never once said I needed to lose weight. She wasn’t concerned with me being pre-diabetic since my numbers were perfect. She even flat out told me I was far healthier than half her super skinny, always dieting patients with horrible lab results. Them, she was worried about. Me, not so much.

Her main concern for me was how much dieting at such an early age had traumatized me. She promoted healthy eating, not buying frozen dinners chock full of preservatives and other crap, and moving more frequently. Since then, I won’t even touch frozen dinners. Most of our meals are home made. I don’t touch fast food if I can help it. (And by that, I mean I eat fast food like once every few months.) I actually eat very little and pick at my food unless I’m actually famished.

So there you have it… my 2 cents on the subject. OK, more like 5 since this turned out longer than I’d anticipated. 😀

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Heavy Post

The pun is fully intended in my subject. =D

I stumbled upon this amazing post on A Practical Wedding this afternoon and it just made me smile. If you follow me on Twitter, then you probably saw my tweet about it.

It is no secret that I’ve struggled with weight all my life. I was put onto Weight Watchers at the age of 12 when I had the least of my weight problems. My biggest accomplishment (as a 12 year old) was fitting into a pair of 28 waist Guess jeans. I hated changing in gym class and at camp. I’ve been a member of a handful of gyms. Lost up to 40 pounds several times in my life only to put it back on and more. I was forever comparing myself to my slimmer cousins and classmates. However, I didn’t eat to escape. I’m not an emotional eater. I watch what I eat and often forget to have actual meals. I feel lazy more often than not and know I should do something to change this. I know losing weight will certainly help when we start having children. Yes, I know the heavier you are the more difficulties a woman has getting pregnant.

The thing is, my last doctor couldn’t have been more thrilled about my tests and blood work. I have no health problems, perfect cholesterol and blood pressure, am not pre-diabetic or anything else. I am just fat. There, I said it. Did I mention that I come from a large Jewish family? Typically, Jews are not drinkers, we are eaters. At every family gathering the tables are practically buckling under the weight of food.

And nothing makes me feel worse about myself then buying clothes. I despise shopping. I don’t keep up with current trends. In fact, I could care less what skeletons on the runways are wearing. Show me a model with fat on her bones and I’m more likely to pay attention. Speaking of which, have you seen the Lane Bryant ad the networks are trying to ban?

I tried on my wedding dress last night and sent a picture to a few of my girlfriends. Aside from the comment about the bra sticking over the top, a good portion of them said the dress looked fantastic. That made my night. Sure, it’s a size I wish I didn’t fit into, but it still looks good on me. I know that on my wedding day, no one will care what size I wear (except maybe my mother) or how much arm fat I have. Those concerns will be mine alone. It also doesn’t hurt that Steve loves everything about me and never once made a crack about my weight.

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