family

Sep162013

And in my 37th Year…

I interrupt this not-so-regularly updated adoption blog to say that in my 37th year (which, BTdubs, starts today) I plan on doing the following things (in no particular order):

Becoming a mommy to a sweet little child from foster care
Getting a job worthy of my degree, my experiences, and myself
Being the best darn wife and mommy I can be
Learning as many new web and design technologies as I can
Kicking butt on the technologies I already know
Being a better person
Learning to speak up for myself appropriately
Not letting certain people rule my mind simply bc I am related to them
See also, growing a bigger pair (sorry for that graphic!)
Sheep2Skein, push it
RS Creative Solutions, push it
Bake more
Actually make the projects I pin on Pinterest

Aug142013

Family Research

The more I dig into the past, I think I might regret it. Hello can of worms!

I’ve been chatting with my [newly discovered] cousin several times a week and have found out some rather shocking things about my family. No, I’m not at liberty to give details. It’s not my place to reveal that stuff. Let’s just say that my family should be a lot more open to adoption. A lot.

This ties is really well with our classes the last few weeks. Last week we discussed Loss and this week was about Creating and Supporting Family Relationships. With all my new discoveries about my own family and finding new [to me] family members, I sort of feel like I will be able to better relate to my child. Where he’ll be removed from his family and may have questions later on, I would like to help him. We certainly plan on being the best possible parents, but I know about those gaping voids that family can fill. I’ve felt that I’ve had one for years and now it’s packed to bursting.

In class last night, we were reminded that family relationships are not just birth parents. They also include siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents and other extended family. Steve and I have been discussing this a lot. Every possible adult in a child’s family is given the opportunity to adopt a child once parental rights are terminated IF it is in the best interest of the child to remain with family. Obviously this isn’t always the case. We as prospective adoptive parents need to decide how little or how much we plan on being in contact with their families. We also have to decide on the relationships we maintain with his foster family. ultimately, we will allow him to decide how little or how much he wants and try to respect his wishes as best we can.

Aug062013

Suddenly.. I have more cousins

Image Source

Ever since our Genogram project for class, I have been obsessing over my unknown family members. My genealogy kicks come and go every couple of months where I dig and research looking for any sliver of a relative. When my friend Sarah mentioned Geni.com, I created my free account and went to town adding family members. No surprise, mom’s side exploded as I started connecting existing trees. Almost immediately there were 4 generations dating back to the 1700s with my great-great-great-great-great grandfather… so maybe more than 4 generations.

Anyhow. Not surprising. There are some amazing genealogists in that side of the family.

Dad’s side looked sad and pathetic with him, his father, his mother and step-family. I googled my grandmother (I do this a lot) and – holy crap – I found her obituary. In it were names of her sister, brother and a few other family members.

*Flexes Google-fu muscles*

I searched, and searched and found her sister’s obituary with names of her family. Seriously, it was like hitting a winning jackpot. I googled the names I found and actually found one person on FB. I reached out to her and we’ve been chatting the last few days trying to piece things together with the help of her – and my! – family members.

This is so surreal bc I went from knowing nothing to having a bunch of family members and most of them live in Miami.

Not that it’s even remotely the same thing, but I kinda know how my future child will feel not knowing any of his family members. I was brought up in a loving family full of crazy people and still had that nagging feeling about something missing. My child won’t likely be able to do what I’ve just done and find his long lost family. We really don’t know how much information we will have about his ancestors.

I am putting together a family tree so he can see where his history is now. I know it’s not the same thing, but I hope it will comfort him just a little bit knowing that he isn’t the only adopted person in our family. Yes, I’ve discovered several adoptions and remarriages in my research.

I’d love to do Steve’s tree as well, but that’s something he needs to work on. My ancestral last names are pretty unique whereas his as much more common and I don’t even remotely know everyone’s names.

Have you done a family tree? How far back were you able to go and did you print it out? That’s my next task.. finding a big enough printer or pretty enough pre-made form to fill in.

Jul302013

Genogram

My completed family genogram for class tonight. I decided, in the end, to do what was asked and not add the family that I’m close with aside from these. I wonder if it’ll be like “oh you know their names so you must be close,” as opposed to, “oh you know their birth dates so you must be close” like the example.

Yeah. I’m apparently terrible with numbers. Sure, I could’ve looked up the names and birth dates on FB, but I opted not to do so as we were supposed to go off memory.

clicky clicky to see it all… even though most of the names are blurred out. 🙂

Jul292013

Gigantic Recap and Update

Dearest blog, I am not intentionally ignoring you. There is just so much going on that I feel overwhelmed. And by that, I mean I don’t know where to start writing. I’m going to just jump in and we’ll go from there and play catch up later. Deal? xoxo, Becca

+++++

We have now had 2 classes. 2! Only 7 more left before graduation. We’re learning a lot and meeting new people. Awesome people. Other people that want to open them hearts and home to foster children. Yeah, I like our classes. We have homework after every class that will all become a part of our adoption packet. The first week was easy short answer and circle the best answer type questions. For the 2nd week it was a lot more in depth. We have to create a family tree of sorts – a genogram. It is a charted representation of our immediate family through our grandparents. This is mine, not filled in. And as Steve pointed out, the 2 sides are not connected, but that was unintentional.. even though we aren’t blood related to that side.

Check out all the information we will be learning. That’s 2″ of learning to deal with/ understand the children in Foster Care that we will be adopting.

The biggest thing I am learning in our classes is how desperately there is a need for foster parents in Miami. Like class derailed for 5+ minutes talking about it. So if you’ve ever even remotely considered being a Foster Parent, please do it. I can put you in contact with our licensing specialists who will be forever grateful.

Let’s see, quick recap of the other adoption-related things in the last couple weeks..

The House – We re-upped our lease for 6 more months so the Home Study will be done on this apartment. I also bought a sturdy wood over-the-toilet hutch thingie and sturdy wood tower. We currently have wibbly-wobbly metal shelving in there. The metal shelves were moved to the laundry room for chemicals and cleaning products. #SafetyFirst

Welcome Gift – I am crafty. Duh. While we are waiting on this process, I want to make something for my child. While we are leaning towards a son, we could very easily be better matched with a daughter first. So whatever I make needs to be gender-neutral. I took an informal poll on my FB page and in Ravelry group about yarn colors – oh yeah, it’s going to be a blanket – and narrowed it down to a teal/turquoise, pale grey and brown. It will either be blocks or a Fibonacci sequence, below.

Life Story – Our overall homework assignment is writing a life story. We have to do it individually and turn it in before class ends. It too will be sent to the Adoption Case Worker assigned to us. I started mine and have been jumping around to “easy” and “not painful” subjects. I have about 6 more weeks to work on it.

Picnic – We went to our first Adoption event this weekend. SDFAPA had a picnic in Key Largo and, even though the weather sucked, we had a good time. We learned a lot as there were both Foster and Adoptive parents there, as well as the famous KB from my mystery phone call. We were invited to their next meeting in a few weeks.

Updated Timeline –

Classes end September 10
We will be assigned to an Adoption Case Worker within 2-3 weeks after that to do our Home Study
Once the Home Study is completed and officially in “the books,” we could be matched at any time.
We keep hearing different “child in home” answers so it could be anywhere from 1 month to 6 prior to the adoption being finalized.

I promise to not let it go so long between posts next time!

Jul172013

Welcoming an Older Child Home

When couples adopt or have biological babies, they typically have a baby shower. But what to do if you’re adopting an older child? I found this fantastic website with a TON of amazing information for honoring and welcoming adopted children into your family.

After chatting with my friend Jackie a few nights ago, I totally want to have a meet my son/adoption shower for items to build his library of books and kid-friendly movies, show him all the love and support we have, and, most importantly, introduce him to his new family and our friends.

From the above-mentioned website, these are some of my favorites ideas to use. Also, I really want to find (or make) some awesome wall prints, artwork, creative bookshelves and more to make him feel really at home.

Making our own version of a “baby book‘ from the moment he came into our home (including excerpts from this blog)
A necklace with the date of their child’s birth, the date the child was placed in their home, and the date the adoption was finalized by the court.
Or maybe a plaque with these dates
Or a picture frame to display the photo with the judge and entire team on their adoption day.
Some families have a fun sense of humor and would enjoy a t-shirt or bumper sticker that says, “Yes, I’m their REAL mom.”
Others are more sentimental and like verses such as, “You grew in my heart.”
A birth announcement only works after a child is born. What does a family do when they want to announce the addition of an adopted child to their family? Not everyone is handy enough with a computer to make their own invitations and announcements. They may not have time, either.
Anything with the child’s new name (almost all children have at least a part of their name changed after adoption) is very exciting and meaningful.

There are a few other sites with great ideas to welcome your new little (or not so little) one into your home and family.

Adoption / Foster Care Gifts and Crafts on About.com

Gifts for a former foster mom

Foster Care Adoption Books

Jul152013

After the First Home Visit

The post leading up to our first home visit had a crazy amount of views. Y’all are awesome!

So what happened? Great things!

But first, the prep. I do wish I’d taken pictures of the house a week ago bc right now it looks about 100% different. We are… packrats. Not hoarders, packrats. We are aware of it and know it’s a problem. We just like our stuff. Having a deadline of people coming into our home that will change our life and place a child with us was the greatest motivator ever.

Ever.

We rented a storage unit. We created lists of what to do. We decluttered. We cleaned. We cleaned out. We threw out 4 huge bags of garbage. We donated. We organized. Oh boy did we organize.

F and T were prompt and arrived right at 11am. After locking Lola in her crate and Phoenix in the front bathroom, we chatted at first about what we were looking for (age and gender) and we said we preferred a boy and our range remains 5-11 years old. So when I refer to “him” I am making an assumption that we will have a son as our first placement. Yep, we plan to do this a few more times. Thursday night, we finally decided that we wanted a single child instead of siblings. We would rather focus 100% on 1 child then try to scramble and have 2 kids. In the future, I hope to adopt a sibling group still.

We showed them around the house and the back yard. We did the whole “this is what we have now, and these are our plan for safety of our son. The yard is totally fenced in and we do the upkeep (the association takes care of the front yard) so no worries there. They liked the size and we talked about maybe getting a grill and a table with chairs for the yard. In the laundry room, the plan is to install shelves in the empty space over the water heater for chemicals and cleaning supplies. It is outside and has a lock on the door. In the kitchen, we pointed out that we’re replacing the blue cubes that act as a pantry with a cabinet with doors. The wine was on top of the fridge, so OK there. We pointed out the changes we’re going to make in the kid’s room by moving Steve’s desk into our bedroom and totally rearranging the layout. I still want the bunkbeds and furniture from my childhood, but another option is to pass our queen bed down and upgrade to a king bed. We’ll see. They were ok with both options, the huge closet and en suite bathroom. The linen and craft closets – not too much will change except better organization. The family/ dining room we will likely just rearrange the furniture and hang more pictures.

After the tour, we talked for a while asking a ton of questions about school districts (more on that tomorrow), our work schedules, public vs private schools, grants and scholarships for private school, the class schedule, Steve’s work schedule possibly affecting class, safety requirements, the timeline, and so much more. They said they’re going to try to get the adoption paperwork to distribute to the class so we can all be on top of it prior to being transferred to the Adoption case workers and the Home Study being completed.

We also discussed the 2 foster/adoption events we are planning on attending – Heroes for Our Kids Celebration at Miami Children’s Museum and the SFFAPA Summer Fun Picnic at John Pennekamp Park

I know I felt so good afterwards. As we were laying in the bedroom after they left and right before Steve crashed from staying awake way later than normal, we talked some more about what happened during the visit.

I literally couldn’t stop smiling after this visit. It really hit me that I could be a mommy by the end of the year. In fact, when I posted..

“I am going to be a mom. And I can’t stop grinning about it”

..on FB, I received so much love and support from my friends. However, it seemed like some thought I was pregnant, which amuses me to know end since I’m totally transparent about this adoption and my infertility.

+++++

On Sunday, we went to Kmart and looked at booster seats, little boy clothes, bedroom furniture. We also bought plug socket covers. Yeah, I know it likely won’t make a difference, but at least they can’t say we’re not prepared.

Also, I may have just started using a hashtag for all my adoption posts on FB and twitter #CallMeMommy

Jul102013

Orientation! #LongestPostEver

Finally! (Geez Becca, why’d you leave us hanging for over a week for this post?!)

We had our Adoption Orientation on Saturday morning, June 30th and it was pretty much awesome. I may have been doing research for months (years) and knew a lot of information going into this, but I still learned more.

One thing I learned was that while we are certainly welcome to adopt from out of Florida, we won’t get the FL benefits if we do so. We will follow those state’s benefits and adoption requirements. Not all state’s offer health care, 4 years of public college/university and a subsidy like Florida does – so that needs to be taken into consideration. We definitely plan on making sure our kids take advantage of the college part!

We also need to decide about the Lola and Phoenix. He is a crochety old cat and doesn’t take BS from anyone. Yes, after 8+ years, he still claws me on occasion. I really need to have the vet do a full eval on him bc while I don’t want to accept it, I don’t think he has much longer with us. He’s got so many health issues and is so overweight even with putting him on a diet. So, there’s that to consider.

But anyhow, what we learned/ had reiterated…

Children available for adoption have had their parental rights terminated (TPR). They will never be taken away from us bc some random family member came back. Once there is no possible chance at reunification and rights are terminated, they’re available to be legally our children.
Judges in South Florida really don’t like waiting the full 6 months once we have a child in our home and tend to push the adoptions through within 30-60 days. This was a major Holy Moly! moment for us. We could be legally mommy and daddy by the New Year.
After we complete our classes, we’re turned over to the adoption specialists. They will then complete our Home Study, run more background checks, and ask many more questions to ensure we get the ideal placement.
The PRIDE classes are not “parenting” classes, but rather how we will play a role in the kids lives.
Most children end up in Foster Care due to abuse, abandonment and neglect
If we want to travel outside of FL before the adoption is finalized, we need a court order. To go to Disney, Gainesville, or anywhere else within FL, we just need to notify the team.
They would prefer to have one parent stay home with the kids initially, but I will likely use my vacation time for that to get them settled before sending them off to a (likely) new school.
If we adopt younger than 5, we do get a day care subsidy for one year for specific preschools – Gold Seal Approved.

Minimum standards for Foster Homes (which we will follow to ensure approval for adoption):

Minimum 40 sq.ft. per child and have adequate storage/ closet space.. In a perfect world, we’d have a 3-bedroom place with a room for each child.
Max 5 kids per household including biological. No problem here as Lola and Phoenix don’t count. 🙂
Kids of opposite sex over age 3 cannot room together. We’re leaning towards 2 boys at this point, so OK there.
Minimum $200 residual income after all bills are paid. We’re getting finances in order so this should be A-OK too.
2 years of employment verification checks will be performed. Yep, no problems there.
Health history and physicals need to be performed for mental, emotional, physical and any other treatments. Ehh, we should be OK.. My therapy is pretty minimal and I have no problems with Dr. S. telling them all about my sessions.
Pets are also checked as I mentioned above. A-OK as I’ve already told the vet to expect the forms.
Many children have no prior religious beliefs and we must respect their beliefs if they do have religious beliefs. We need to decide on a religion as he’s Methodist and I’m Jewish and neither of us are particularly religious.
We are responsible for transporting them to every appointment, recital, etc in a safe vehicle complete with car seats, seat belts, valid insurance and driver’s license. No problems whatsoever as we never planned on making anyone else drive our kids around.
Foster parents need to complete a basic water safety course. We plan on doing that, being CPR certified, and more.
All medications, chemicals, cleaning products, alcohol, guns/ammo, and anything else that can harm a child must be locked away. We’ve already begun planning where the meds and chemicals will be housed. Most likely in the outside laundry room or a lockbox atop the closet.
Kids must have access to a vehicle and phone at all times. We never plan on leaving them alone, so OK. When they’re at school, they’ll have the phone there.
An evacuation plan must be posted in several places and perform fire drills frequently, working and tested fire extinguisher, 2 ways to escape each bedroom, smoke detectors, working battery flashlights in every room, and a first aid kit in the house. OK except for the evacuation plan and the flashlights, we have everything already.
There is a list of forbidden and acceptable discipline methods provided that we must obey. OK, we haven’t established discipline yet so having guidelines is great.
Criminal and abuse checks ((FBI, FDLE, local and abuse registry) are to be performed prior to PRIDE classes. Done and approved.

We will be an integral part of the team of nurses, social workers, case workers, and others. Even once the adoption is finalized, we can utilize the team.

We have decided that fostering will be too difficult for us to handle. And came to that conclusion separately prior to discussing it after the Orientation. Having a child or children in our home for days, weeks, months or even years then having them taken away would be too hard for us both to bear.

Our initial background screenings went off without a hitch. We had to be checked in both FL and NC since we haven’t lived here for 5 years. Once we passed these, we will have our initial Home Visit – on Friday! – and classes begin on Tuesday.

They have said this is an extremely intrusive journey and they will find everything out about us. And yet, we are still raring to go to become parents.

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So where have I been? We have so much work to do on our current home to get it ready for our babies. We have been decluttering and cleaning and making our little home kid-friendly. It’s making me realize big time how not kid-friendly it is. We only have 2 bedrooms, a family room, a kitchen and a decent sized back yard. I’d much prefer to have at least a 3-bedroom with a larger family room, updated everything including a dishwasher. But for right now, we shall deal with this little place. *le sigh*

Also, I’ve been off work (though you’d never know it) since Thursday, had an interview for an amazing job, working at my part-time job, and in general trying to get the house ready for le babies.

+++++

/end #LongestPostEver

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